Firewhiskey Fic: Camping Is Often In Tents
by UnseenLibrarian
Summary: Hermione and Harry go camping with the Weasleys. Guess who else is there? - A July 2012 Firewhiskey Fic entry - no betas allowed - drunken misspellings are part of the charm!


**For Firewhiskey Fics, no betas, autocorrect, or spell-checking are allowed!**

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**Pairing(s)/Characters:** The Weasleys. The Malfoys. Hermione Granger and Harry Potter.

**Challenge:** Camping

**Summary:** Hermione and Harry go camping with the Weasleys. Guess who else is there?

**Rating/Warnings:** at least R. Hints at bondage, incest, manages, anal sex, oral sex, group sex, slash, etc. Lots of that sort of thing, at least HINTED at.

**Word count:** 3226

**A Winner:** Won the "FUNNIEST ENTRY", "FAVOURITE ENTRY", and "BEST USE OF PROMPT" awards at the LJ July 2012 FirewhiskeyFic Fest.

**Author's Notes:** Doh Re Mi Fa So La Ti Doh! I started this with a nice pleasant buzz and poor motor skills. It is obvious that I sobered up as I wrote. Dayum, why can't I write 3200 words a night on my OTHER fics?!

**I REPEAT:** **For Firewhiskey Fics, no betas, autocorrect, or spell-checking are allowed!**

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**CAMPING IS OFTEN IN TENTS**

"Is everyone ready?" called Arthur Weasley, as he heaved his knapsakc up onto his back. He was answered by the usually chorus of affirmative grumbles, mumnbles, and, I nthe case of Percy, condescening agreement.

"Alrighty then! Come on people, keep up! We have a bit of a hike to the campsite!" Arthur trilled in his happy voice as he set off in the lead of the band of wary Weasley offsorping.

**FWF FWF FWF FWF FWF FWF**

Fluewr whispered to Bill, "Why are we doing zis, exzacly?"

Bill turned his scarred visage towards his loe blonde bombshell of a whive and said, "It's a Weasley family tradition, love. Don't worry I'll be sure to make it worth your while." He stuck his tongue in her ear and wiggled it around, then sarted off after his father. Fleur melted into a puddle – little did mere humans know, but a Veela's ears are their most sensitive errogenous zome, and it makes them suffer petite orgams four hours after their partner touches them.

She slithered off unsteadly itn the wake of her hubby.

**FWF FWF FWF FWF FWF FWF**

Audry was fuming. Not only had she never figured prominently in the heroic tales of Harry Potter and Friends, but she now had to tramp through what seemed to nbe a swampy forest with her stuck-up, pompus husband. How the hell did that happen? She didjn't know why she was studcnk in this place with these redheaded people – though Bill, that older brother with the wscars on his faece, OH ytes, she'd like to grapb his arse and pull him into her over and over, feeling him streching her opening and stropping her to orgasm…

Her p[rivate musings about Bill's privates were unterrulbedpted by that four-eyed git of a husband she had. Peter? Phoncibal? Oh yeah. Percy.

"Audrey, darling, let's be sure not to fall behind. We want to get a good spot for our tent. The proper placement of the tent is critical for maximum chance of conception later."

_Say what?_ "Conception? What are you …"

"Yes. Conception. A baby. You know. We must have 2.6 children if I am to stand a chance at winning the Minister for Magic election someday. We'd better get started. I've purposely not had interdcourse with you for a week, nor have I pleaseured myself, in order to build up a nice suoppoky of sperm for the act of coitus we'll embark upon tonight under the stars."

Audrey started at her husband, dumbfounded. Then she said, "Percy?"

"Yes, my pet?"

"I'm on the rag."

**FWF FWF FWF FWF FWF FWF**

Charlie tromped along, enjoying the walk in the woods. He griined at the sound of all his family members gasping for breath in various stages of ehaustion. _What a bunch of lightweights, he thought. If they did havlf the work I d Dragon Keeper, they'd be in the best shampe of their lives._

Just then, Charlie felt a hand on his back. It was a nice warm hand, small yet surprisingly strong and confiedent in ihts grip. He turned his head and saw Hermione coming up beside him. She msmiled up at him as she kept pace with him easily.

"Hi Charile," she said, rtossing the hair out of her eyes.

"Hi yourself, Hermione. You seem to be faired better than the rest of these yahoos. I mean, the reswt of my family. " Carlie thrust his chin towards Bill. "Cept Bill. He's got the wind of a wolf, he has. Stamina. I'm proud of him."

Hermione watched Bills buttocks flexing benieath their thin denim covering as the tall, rangy redhead walked ahead of them. He was hoyt, there was not a qestion about it, but she really dug rugged, ripped, muscley Quidditch players, current or ex-. Charlie's Seeker days were behind him, but she thought he probably still knew what to do with his broomstick.

"Yes, Bill's fit, that's for certain, but I like my bmen a lottle more … solid," she said, licking her lips as she scanned Charlie up and down. Her eyes settled on the prominend bulge under his khakie trousers. _Hot damn._ she thought.

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, knowing exaclty where her eyes were looking.

"Yes. Quidditch realiiy makes a man… manly," she replied. Charlie met her gaze with his smoldnering blue/brown eyes (we've hever reall found out what ompuver colboer color his eyes are. We know Hinnys' are brown, like her Mothers, and sonehow we know that Ron's and Bill's are blue and that Arthur's are too. But for Perycy, The Twins, and Charlie, we are shit outta luck.)

"So… Hermione. You and Ron are splitsville, yah?" Charlie was no girlfriend stealer. Of course, he also never said no to a nice piece of arse.

"Oh yeah. We split a year ago. He's just not right for me, you know? In fact, " and here Hermione leaned conspiratorially towarsds Charlie, keeping step but also leaning against him to whisper in his ear, "I've been haivng sexy dreams about you and Draco Malfoy, of all people, sandwiching me all night long." She giggled quietly.

Charlie slideed an arm around Hermione's waist, tucking his thick-fingered hand into her back pocket. "Well, darlin', how's about you and me making a lottel smorgasbord tonight? I have a tent for two…"

Hermione purred. "I thought you'd nebver ask. I'm so glad I sought out the Seeker of the family."

**FWF FWF FWF FWF FWF FWF**

Ron caught up to Bill, but was distracted by the continousoyl; orgamsing Fluer. She was shuddering and loaming and moaning and grabbing her tits. Bill was smirking. Ron wondered, not for the first time, why Bill hadn't been sorted into Slytherin with a smirk like that. He knew it make women wet just to see that smirk, and it warmed Ron up quite a bit, too.

"Bill, um, I was thinking…"

"Yeah, Ron? Did it hurt much?"

"Uh… what?"

Bill chuckled. "What is it, littlest brother?"

"I forgot my tent and I really would like to stayt with you and Fleru in your tent and have sex all three of us. All nithg." Ron said all of that in one quick breath. He looked at Bill hopefully.

Bill considered Ron's stuttering statement silently as he walked. Honestly, he'd wandered why it had taken Ron so long to approach him, though manybe his being with Hermione had had something to do with it. But he knew his youngest brother had the hots for Fleur, and she had told Bill she'd love to be adventurous in the bedroom…

"Sure, Ron. You can ptich a tent with us."

Ron was flabber gasted. "Really!? Gosh… thanks, bill!"

"But," said BNill.

"But?" asked Ron, nervously.

Bill looked him square in the eye and lifted his hand to Ron's face. "I expect you to do as I say. I'm the alpha male in my bedroom, you understand?" Ron nodded vigorously.

"Just so you iunderstand that. Now. Start drinking water. You're gonna need it later. Oh, here," Bill pressed a small tube of somethng into Rob's hand. "This is some of Fred and George's "Weasleys' Nifty Neck Numb-er." Great for giving head." At Ron's quissical look, Bill said, "Start squirting some of it down your throat every hour. You're gonna need it." Bill laughed a growling laugh at Ron's expression, ans he strode on ahead to walk with his father.

**FWF FWF FWF FWF FWF FWF**

"Why didn't your mum come with us, ahgain?" asked Harry, who was walking near the back of the group woith Ginny. Secretly he didn't give a Wormtail's arse. He was just thrilled that Molly wasn't there to spoil his and Ginny's shagfest they had planned for this evenening.

"She doesn't do the family camping thing. She never has." Ginny shrigged. "She says it is our chance to bond with Dad." Ginny brayed a nasty laugh at that thought. "Serioiusly, though, this is her one chance in the year to be alone wth her magical vibrators and her stash of Gilderoy Lockhart's porno pictures. "

Harry looked gobsmacked.

"Oh yah, IO found all that stuff under a floorborad under mum and dad's bed years ago." Ginny wen't on, "Magical vibarators are bomb, Harry. I've bought one for myself, infact, and I'll show it to you tohiuth. Tonight. The Lockhart porn was boring. It was just pictures of his arse., bobbing up and down, ad infinitum. Whooppeee." Ginny grinnd. "I much prefer your bobbing arse, Harry."

They stopped in the middle of the path and started to snog. Harry's hand groped at Ginny's shirtfront, and he would have struck gold if Fred and George hadn't ploughed the two of them over as they wal;ked along. F and G were bringing up the rear, and had no intentions of making it easy for Harry and Ginny to start their Fuck Festival. They didn't give a shit who Ginny was boinking, actually, though they heartily approved of Harry. They just wanted her to have to work for it.

**FWF FWF FWF FWF FWF FWF**

Fred and George were Watching the rest of the family trudge along. They noted that everyone seemed paired up (happily or not) but their dad was alone. They felt a bit sorry for him, knowing that everyone else was going to be fucking tiehr eyeballs out tohguith after toasting marshmellows and singing stupod songs. Even the two of them were going to get it on. Angelina hadn't been able to come along on this particular trip, but they didn't mind. They each had a new product to test.

Fred had a Weasleys' Wizarding Wheezes "Articulating Arsehole Annie" life-size doll, which would magically quiver and quake around yur dick as you drove it home into her simulated anal rosebud. This would be her first real Alpha test and he couldn't wait to give her his full attention.

George, meanwhile, had the new W.W.W.'s "Sweet Lil' Spunky Brewster", a life-size doll with pigtails and a magical mouth and twitching twat that would suck the spunk right out of your rod. She was supposed to be so good at magical fucking and sucking, her partner for the night would hardly have to move a muscle. "It's going to be the sex toy for the lazy arse weakling wizzards with permanent hard-ons that keep making the floors in our back room sticky," Fred had said when they'd finished this prototype.

George was looking forward to thoroughly testing Spunky's charms.

**FWF FWF FWF FWF FWF FWF**

"Here we are!" Arthur called out gaily as he came to a stop in a wide-open clearing. Everyone came into the clearning and stopped, groaning, dropping their knapsacks and drinking water. The clearning was plenty big enough for all of their tents with room to spare – which was a good thing, as there was already a tent pitched in the exact center of the clearing.

And what a tent it was. It had three center poles holding it up. It had a veranda. It had two stories. It had a carport. It even had a jacuzzi.

**FWF FWF FWF FWF FWF FWF**

"Um, Mr. Weasley," Harry began, puzzled. "Were you expecting company? Who's …" and at that moment, two albino peacocks strutted around the corner of the tent into view.

Harry and Ron blurted out, "Malfoy!"

**FWF FWF FWF FWF FWF FWF**

Hermione perked up, hope making her eyes shine. Charlie took the opportunity to cop a feel.

**FWF FWF FWF FWF FWF FWF**

Ginny groaned, afraid this would ruin her night with Harry. She hated it when he opbsessed over his secret heart's desire, Draco Malfoy.

**FWF FWF FWF FWF FWF FWF**

Fred and George watched with interest, passing bets back and forth between them.

**FWF FWF FWF FWF FWF FWF**

Bill growled. Draco Malfoy was the little poncy git who let Greyback into the castle, which allowed the werewolf to attack Bill. However, the post-orgasmic Fleur had their tent unpacked and erected in a trice, and she grabbed her husband's hand and Ron's hand and dragged bpth of them inside. Not long after that, moist slapping sounds began to rise from the tent's entrance.

**FWF FWF FWF FWF FWF FWF**

Meanwhile, Percy asked, "Oh, do you mean Lucius Malfoy and his family?"

Audrey hissed at him, "Of course, you pillock. There can be only one Malfoy family." She had her ear pressed to Bill's tent, straining to hear how a real Weasley man fucks his woman. Damn, but Fleur now had TWO of the Weasleys fuckiung her, by the sonds of it. Shit. She'rd really gotten the raw end of the deal.

She peeked over at Fred and George, contemplating, but then saw that they each had some sort of rubber girl-thing tucked under an arm, and they were busily setting up their own tent with their wands in their free hands. _Damn_, she thought. _Even a plastic Esophageal Evelyn doll gets better action than I do._ She turned back to her husband and wondered if she could slip him some Polyjuice without his realizing it. She could have Bill, Charlie, AND the twins that way, if she were clever. _Hmmm…_

**FWF FWF FWF FWF FWF FWF**

Ginny had said "fuck the tent" to Harry. Instead, she'd ducked into the trees just out of sight and conjured a wide, two-person hammock, which she magically tied to two trees. She then pulled Harry into the Hammock with her, yanked open his jeans, and was currently deep-throating him right to the root while he grunted in ecstasy. _Damn, that Neck Numb-er stuff is fucking fantastic,_ was Harry's last coherent thought for a while.

**FWF FWF FWF FWF FWF FWF**

Hermione and Charlie were so enarmored of each other by now that they'd begun to unbutton each other's clothing right there in the open. Hermione felt the cool breze on her breasts, however, and came too enough to erect the tent she had in her pack in mere seconds. Once it was up, she grabbed Charlie's thick wrist and dragged him inside, ca;l;ling out "Gosh, I'm bushed, it's time for us all to hit the hay, isn't it?"

At the sound of her voice, the flap of the Malfoy tent opened majestically and out came Draco Malfoy, his face alight with surprise and delight. Following him in a bit more stately fashion was his father, Lucius.

Draco said not a word, but made a beeline for Hermione and Charlie. He stood before them, panting, and with barely a pause Charlie and Hermione each took a hand and pulled the very willing Malfoy heir into their tent. Triplet cries of pleasure rose from their boudoir shortly thereafter.

**FWF FWF FWF FWF FWF FWF**

Lucius surveyed the clearing with his nose. Three tents stood there, their occupants engaged in various acts of depravity. Off in the trees, he could see light glinting off a pair of round spectacles, along with a quickly bobbing head of long, red hair. At the far end of the clearing, he noted the prat Weasley boy, sitting on a red and white checked picnic blanket, while his wife, who seemed to be dressed in red patent leather corsetry, was plying him with a mug full of some sort of potion.

He finally turned to face the ginger-haired balding man standing near him.

"We meet again, Arthur."

"Yes. Hello, Lucius." Arthur stared the blond man in the eye.

"It seems we just cannot get away from running into each other."

"Indeed," replied Mr. Weasley, in an eerily exact imitation of the elder Malfoy.

"Your family seems to be enjoying itself."

"Just as always, Lucius. You know what a loving family we are."

"Quite," Lucius sniffed. "Apparently, the Granger girl and your Dragon Keeper son have taken Draco into their … confidence, as it were."

"Fitting, don't you think?" asked Arthur. "That a Dragon Keeper would accept Draco into his bed?"

"Hmmm."

They stood in silence for a few more moments.

"Well then," Lucius said finally. "Molly stayed home again this year, eh?"

"Oh yes. She's meeting your Narcissa for a girl's night out, she said."

"Excellent. Did you remember to bring the-"

"Of course I did, Lucius. I never forget the-"

"Fine. Fine. Good. Well then." Lucius held the tent flap open with his cane. "After you, Arthur."

Arthur started forward, but stopped and turned around in the entrance to the canvas Malfoy Manor.

"I want to be on top first this time, Lucius."

"But of course, Arthur!" Lucius smirked knowingly. "I know how much you love to play with my hair as we fuck. I wouldn't dream of denying you that pleasure."

Arthur ran a hand over his ever-larger bald patch, nodded once and then strode into the tent's dark interior.

Lucius smiled softly to himself. He smoothed back his hair, made sure his cloak was in the best position for billowing out behind him, and then he tossed some Peacock Pellets to the fowl to keep them quiet and occupied. He then followed his once-a-year lover into their own private sanctuary.

**FWF FWF FWF FWF FWF FWF**

Fred and George let the flap fall closed on their tent.

"I reckon this explains a lot of their animosity towards each other, doesn't it," remarked George.

"Yep. I guess Dad's definitely okay with Mum staying home," remarked George. He pointed his wand at a leak in Spunky Brewster's pneumatic thigh and it sealed shut. Fred used his wand to wash off Arsehole Annie. The brothers then swapped dolls and prepared to continue their testing.

Fred suddenly froze, his fist gripping his freckled dick. "Say, George. I just realized somethjng."

George, who hadn't noticed Fred's pause and was still pumping himself with gusto, grunted a breathless "What?"

"This means that that git, Draco Malfoy … is sort of our brother. Right? Sort of?"

Halting, George poindered this. "Yeah, I guess you are right. Sort of." Then he shrugged and shoved his erection into Annie's arse. He grunted, "I'll tell you one thing, Fred. I'll take him over Percy, any day."

Fred began to fuck Spunky Brewster's magical mouth, feeling her tonsils tickling his tonker.

"I think," he gasped, "We should turn his hair ginger. Don't you? As a welcome to the family?"

George nodded. "Oh yeah," he moaned. "And, we need to make sure the carpet matches the drapes."

The twin brothers chuckled breathlessly, and then focused all their attention on their rubberized companions.

**FWF FWF FWF FWF FWF FWF**

When Percy refused to drink the Polyjuice, insisting he wanted their baby to be HIS, not Bill's or Charlie's, Audrey Disapparated in a huff, after first zapping her husband with a Stinging Hex in the privates. _I'd take Draco Malfoy over Percy too, any day,_ she thought as she vanished.

**_FIN_**


End file.
